to cross a crossroads

why did the chicken cross the road? because the grass is greener on the other side?
we always want what we can't have. you never miss a good thing until it's gone.
i've never felt so confused and this unsure. my contract at ntv7 is coming to an end this merdeka. they've offered an extension to my contract, with really good opportunities next year once they have a reinstate a budget for 2008. for now, i'll still be on a legal contract, which pays peanuts. on the other hand, i'm considering quitting to dip my toes in fresh water. probably in a different industry altogether.
to summarize the past 4 1/2 months working there, it's been a fair balance of good and often demoralizing moments. i guess everyone could say that there's a downside to every job; and you shouldn't let the petty details get you. here, i'm making a pro-con list throughout my working experience on the programme Walk The Talk. let's begin with the bad stuff because you learn to appreciate the good things more after a bad fall.
cons:
- mentality (in other words - the kampungness of some of the staff). every organisation has its hierarchy of employees, and ultimately it is essential to have a different mix of individuals from different educational backgrounds to run the business. as a broadcast journalist, one has to work with all departments - engineering, equipment store, news, brand, production crew, just to name a few. don't get me wrong, everyone's nice (or they are in front of you anyway), but i don't necessarily agree, let alone understand half the things they say.
- legal contract. i don't get any benefits, epf, insurance, leave (i've worked the past 4 1/2 months straight with no break. includes certain weekends). the pay is not equivalent to the hours you put in.
- steep learning curve, because it's malaysia lah, what to do. content control is extreme because some things are just too explicit, liberal and sensitive for tv. AND, to add insult to injury, it's just too expensive to produce. but wait, didn't the ceo just get a new x5? oops.
- the media is a time consuming industry. add the idle melayus who run it and you end up taking 3 hours to complete a product which under normal circumstances, would take just under an hour. i'm not exaggerating on this. the ratio of actual time needed to do something to the snail speed (what an oxymoron) the people there take is, in minutes, 1:5. so yeah, my point is that your social life is gone. your life is gone period. it's just work, work, work. you even sleep and dream (nightmares) of work. did i mention i've slept through every movie i've watched since i started this job?

ok let's move on to the finer things. pros:
- experience. being a part pf this programme has allowed me to interact with 13 CEOs/MDs across 13 different industries which include, glcs, banks, telecommunications, hospitality, food and sports. in addition to the leaders, i've worked closely with their corporate comm, pr and extras who've made the show a success. i've had an excellent bird's eye view of how the various industries function from the corporate levels to the front liners. i've accrued an understanding to the importance of decisive actions, employee relations, ownership and all these business jargon i've read before but didn't comprehend.
- experience. yes, again.
i've been in a coffee making factory, taken a ride on an exclusive helicopter, indulged in a spa, invited to a fashion and awards show, joined in a cooking session with a renowned chef, gone up 30 story high construction on a forklift, stepped foot in a RM35,000 a night hotel room and best of all, spent a good 20 minutes being 10 metres away from Gwen Stefani and her family at KLIA's VIP lounge. it's given me opportunities to meet people and see things i would've never ever had chance to otherwise. heaps of bragging rights too.
- little rewards, or rather corporate gifts. i think that's what they call them anyway. we rarely leave a shoot empty handed. oh, and we get to eat at the nicest places too. ritz-carlton cook up a fantastic cod.

it's such a predicament! the things i listed on both the pros and cons list are only a fraction to the overall experience that only a person who actually experiences it can fully embrace. in a week, i would've either made the best or worst decision in my life. this will determine the rest of my career path. what if i make the wrong move?

mood swinging catastrophe

i'm bitter. utterly malignant as a vicious predator who hasn't had its meat for days to count. i've honestly never felt so much abhorrance within and, worst of all i can't pinpoint its source. is this really how it feels to be pms-ing? i'm usually emotional and teary eyed cum a week preceding my cycle, but not usually this mad. i'm practically stomping the keyboard now. i can't figure it out.
if i could, i'd go up to every person i've somehow encountered unsatisfaction with and let them in on my piece of mind. i realize that i've kept quiet and dismissed my thoughts too often, in order to seem to be the better person. i'm not one to initiate an argument, much less cause a scene, and maybe the snowball effect of years of concealing my distress, is this.
in commemoration of the country's 50th year as an independent constitution, i too, crave the liberty to be unconstrained by other people's definition of the word; be able to chart my own course, and to drive destiny into my own hands.