cookie monster

oh! nothing embroiders the spirit of hari raya like the smell of cookies baking in the oven swifting through my humble abode. i've just stepped out of the shower and put on, funnily enough, a cookie monster t-shirt and already i'm the spitting scent of chocolate chip dough. my sister bakes the best chocolate chip cookies ever, which she refuses to bake, unless it's ramadhan.
i love this time of year.
there's the ramadhan bazaar of flavorful foods to feast the senses (and maaaan, do i get greedy at these. i end up buying alot more than i can stomach).
it's one of those rare times the whole family makes a point to berbuka en masse. it's also an excuse to host breaking fast events where one gathers extended family and friends together. then there's terawih, a convocation of the prayerful.
i'm especially touched by these fairs of camaraderie, and the best part is: we get an entire month of it.
like a sponge i'm soaking in every minute of this affair to corner a meaningful memory that'll last when this time passes on to the obscure hereafter.

there's a light at each end of this tunnel

As far as my memory stretches, i remember getting excited whenever i felt a tooth loosen. i'd wiggle it back and forth with my tongue to expedite the process of the tooth falling out. when it did, i'd wrap it in cotton and carefully placed it under my pillow. just like magic, when i wake up the next morning the tooth is gone and is replaced by a gift of some sort.
'oh, it looks like the tooth fairy paid you a visit while you were sleeping,' my mum would say. and in that moment, i felt salient that the tooth fairy came to me especially (of course it was mummy who put that RM10 under my pillow). at 5 years old, you believe that sort of thing. you believed anything your parents told you.

retracting back on my thoughts of religion i foolishly drew convenience as a spiritual compass. essentially, this is a field where i'm clueless in every sense of the word. i wasn't brought up in a pious environment and was schooled in a private institution that paid no attention to religious footing. at 21, i'd like to believe i'm psycologically cultivated and officially legal. basically just old enough to make whole, informed decisions. it's time to stop putting the blame on others and take charge of the path i want to undertake, to know the mistakes i make from now on are my own.

i'd define religion as a method of appreciating your creator. it's those extra steps you take to convey your faith and gratitude. this subjective idea comes with no scientific formula in which to perform or attest to.

i believe in a greater good and thus i believe in the religion i was born into.
if you say that you believe something is to be true, you might mean one of 2 things -
that you are still weighing the alternatives or that you accept it as a fact. i don't logically see how one single word can have contradictory definitions, but emotionally, i fully understand because there are times i think what i'm doing is right, and there are other times i second-guess myself every step of the way.

ultimately, i'm ready to sumbit . i want to take those extra steps. i am not conforming to the masses but rather, see it as a necessity to convey my commitment to God.
the little girl in me still believes what my parents say. they're my spiritual compass and now, so is the leading male in my life. for them to believe in me, when i don't even believe in myself, is proof that there is a greater force driving this temporary presence that's not always filled with tooth fairies.

happy fasting everyone.

a walking contradiction

if you're an avid reader of my blog, you must notice that all my entries are only those of times when i'm bothered, depressed, confused, sad or hurt. the welcome note at the top says it all. fray - a fight, a battle or skirmish aka me. the only thing the heart and the mind agree on is the reconciliation of disagreement. it's a firing line of contradiction, doubt and animosity within myself.
i bless the dude who started up blogging. if i write it all down, it's no longer inside me, threatening the life it belongs to.

in the philosophy of living, every ying has its yang; for every truth one stands to lie; and every right eclipses a wrong. it's a fortunate circumstance to be able to see both sides of the coin, but when it comes to choosing a side, and thus sticking to it, how do u know if the one you let go is the side that makes you whole?

with the job at ntv7, i raised the white flag and left.
but i'm going back in october. foolish? maybe not. new pay, new position. are those the elements which constitute gratification? not even. i realised, too little but not too late that i want to be in the broadcasting industry for awhile. this is a valuable platform to achieve a greater dream.

with my relationship, it has, is and will be my greatest strife. we are 2 individuals who have a completely different outlook on life. on the contrary, when both are secured in solitude together, the world slows down and the view is immensely beautiful. he is my rock, my pillar of strength, without which my heart will separate. nothing compares to it when religion, politics & morals don't come into play. the heart speaks: this is fact not fiction for the first time in years.

with my commitment to religion, i thread a fine line. i love my creator. i'm faithful and believe in just him. the rituals and traditions though, i think - are they necessary to prove my love for the almighty? it does not make sense to me. i'm trying to make sense of it all, this thing they call religion. i just cannot. i cannot. i believe i'm a good person and i want to reflect that in the short time i have on earth. being kind, charitable, forgiving and grateful (at just being able to wake up, and breathe the fresh air every morning, seeing my family happy or just a phone call from an old acquaintance). these are the things i strive for. to live by these guidelines, and always, always appreciating and thanking God for life itself. i feel closer to him when talking to him directly (in my head), rather than to put on some cloth and prostrate at a stone.

Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most, are those who don't know what they want - Meredith Grey